


In the Pursuit of Happiness

by FluffyIsEmo, Wierdowithagun



Category: Naruto
Genre: Alcohol, Angst, Cheating, Cigarettes, Cutting, Depression, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Forbidden Love, Hurt/Comfort, Kissing in the Rain, Love Triangles, M/M, Marijuana, Multi, Physical Abuse, Self Harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-06-14
Updated: 2014-06-14
Packaged: 2018-02-04 16:44:17
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 10,256
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1786147
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FluffyIsEmo/pseuds/FluffyIsEmo, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Wierdowithagun/pseuds/Wierdowithagun
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Happiness is just as fleeting as any drug high. As soon as you find it, it's gone, and you're left searching again. But the path is sometimes blocked. And sometimes you just can't get what you want, no matter how much sense it makes, or how good it feels.<br/>Life is a big old bitch with an appetite for misery... and she's always fucking hungry.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Secrets... Lies...

My life had become centered around them, the snowball effect, I think they call it.

And even though I played the role, I honestly couldn't tell you who the victim is. I suppose no one is innocent, everyone contributed to my condition one way or another.

It's really not even so bad, y'know, compared to some of the shit everyone else has to deal with. I complain too much, I know... But you have to know what it's like to be an uncaged prisoner, a slave to circumstance. Life is a big bitch with an appetite for misery, and she's always fucking hungry.

People call me psycho, and when you've heard something so many times for so long, you just begin to believe it... but sometimes I wonder if maybe it's everyone else that's crazy, and I'm the only rational person around. My logic just comes from a different direction...

* * *

 

"This isn't fair..." I said, nearly in tears. "You can't fucking do this to me Red-eyes..." I slurred out, trying desperately in my drunken state to keep those delicious candy lips away from mine.

"No one has to know..." He muttered, eyes clouded and half-lidded with the weight of the lust pouring from him in every direction.

"Everyone... will know." I muttered back. I couldn't squirm away, my back was not only against the wall, it was  _inside_  it. The drywall had snapped like a dead twig when I'd leaned against it to keep from crashing to the floor. Damn that liquor.

"Not unless you run that sexy mouth of yours..."

"Stop it." I pleaded. God it was torture, trying to hold him back. It wouldn't be any problem at all to shove him off if I really wanted to, he couldn't overpower me with that lithe, cat-like body... but the problem here was that I didn't fucking want to.

"This is so fucking goddamn unfair..." I muttered, angry at my cracking voice. How did this night turn into this? This was supposed to be my night of freedom, a night without my husband, for me to relax and have fun and do what I want without getting beaten for it.

 _You deserve the pain..._  My head told me.

 _You deserve to be happy..._  my heart replied.

* * *

 

_"Don't do anything to piss me off. Don't make me regret letting you go alone.."_

_"I swear to the Gods above, Kuzu. I'll be so good people will be calling you to ask what the hell is wrong with me."_

_"You better. You won't like me very much if I find out anything otherwise."_

_I don't fucking like you anyways..._ was what I wanted to say. But such things ended with an ice bag on my face or a trip to the hospital.

It was a Saturday, and one of Kakuzu's co-workers had absolutely insisted on forcing him to go to a concert, to let off some steam. If you ask me, they wanted his dick. And the fact that he probably knew that I knew this, and knew I didn't fucking care...well that explains how our relationship has fucking deteriorated with the slow steadiness of a corpse, doesn't it.

I was happy about it even, he could go fuck half the town if it would get him out of the house and away from me for a fucking night. If it let me sleep in the bed, alone, without being pushed off in the middle of the night for 'hogging the blanket' or 'snoring too loud' or 'laying too close'. The only thing that sucked about it was that I would be too busy sleeping to enjoy the moment.

It worked out in my favor though, or that's what I thought. I'm still not completely sure if the turning point was a good one or a bad one...

Shark-dick's little small time band had a gig at the pool-hall in town. I never got to go to any of the others out of town, because the fucking Nazi I married didn't permit me to drink without his presence and fucking refused to 'waste money' going with me. He literally fucking handcuffed me to the fridge one night when I tried to sneak off without him.

Now, Kisame is a mutual close friend because his boyfriend is my best one. And he's not too bad of a guy, fucking annoying sometimes, has this obsession with Sharks that borders on erotic, and he had a habit of treating Red-eyes more like a dog than a person... but what the hell can you do?

Anyway, Kakuzu is out of town, I have money, and Kisame is playing loud music, at the bar, where there's alcohol, in town. Red-eyes was going to be there, blondie and his fucking stoner boyfriend (just recently turned husband) would be there... Kakuzu could kiss the whitest part of my ass, because I was going.

* * *

 

"I hate you so fucking much right now..." I whispered, burying my face in his gorgeous hair, afraid to talk any louder for fear the alcohol rushing my system would make me lose control of the volume of my voice. If anyone walked in, if anyone at all saw us like this, Kakuzu would find out.

"Hida, it's okay.."

"It's not okay. You don't get it. You had to wait this long... You're a bastard." I said, unable to resist pulling him closer, inhaling as deeply as possible, sucking in as much of that his scent as I could. God it was like a drug, as beautifully natural as he was.

"You want me to stop?" He purred, running his lips up and down my neck, nipping my earlobe.

I closed my eyes, trying to control my breathing, trying to understand what was happening. Trying to tell myself that  _just this once_ I needed to listen to the starving, neglected, almost inaudible voice of reason in my head. The one screaming that participating in this was only going to make my life more miserable, no matter how bad I wanted it, no matter how I'd dreamed of it, how I'd sat there across from him staring into smouldering coal eyes wondering if he was wishing Kakuzu and Kidame weren't sitting next to us, always around, always getting in the way, just like I was.

Fuck. Fucking stupid fuck.

"No..." I said, letting my hand move on it's own. Granting it the freedom to tangle itself in those silky raven locks. Letting my upper body lean itself forward, letting our lips connect and letting my very soul extend itself. He could have it... I would let him.

 _This is a mistake.._  my head told me.

 _Love is never a mistake.._ my heart replied.

* * *

 

A month ago, at Dei's wedding reception, I think that's when I noticed, when my conscious and subconscious finally had a chat with each other. When I figured out I didn't just love my best friend, I was  _IN_  love with my best friend. A bittersweet realization it was, out on the dancefloor, moving our bodies in perfect synch, with the thundering bass and the music gripping us, guiding our movements closer and closer to each other until he was right there staring up and me and my drunken mind released reality's hold on me and let me reach out to smooth his tousled, sweat-drenched hair out of his face.

I think, maybe... everyone falls for their best friend at one point or another. If you don't then they aren't truly the best one at all...

Kakuzu... I don't think we ever managed to be friends before we were lovers. And maybe that's what went wrong. I did love him, I'm sure. But I don't really know if it was the real thing or just me and my fucked up mind accepting the fact that I probably wouldn't ever find anyone better than him, anyone who had the capacity to love me and all my fucking millions of faults...

He had carried me at a time in my life when I thought I had nothing to be strong for. Let me into his home, took care of me and patiently built me back up, restored my faith that life was worth living, made me feel like there  _was_ purpose in my existence. He was not always the way he is now.. the change happened so slowly and subtly, while I was distracted with getting myself back in order, when I finally let myself feel alive again... I don't know if he lost interest, like I was a project that was now finished and he had no more use for me, but had invested far too much in to simply let go. And somehow he shifted roles in my life, went from being my sturdy foundation to a heavy boulder resting on my back, tearing me back down to where he had the chance to build me back up again... For years it went on, up and down and back up again without me realizing. And that Uchiha came in, slipping in like a snake, right under his nose to provide me with at least one stability that never weakened or leaned away. One sturdy pillar for me to lean on and catch my breath, slowly but surely gaining my trust to the point where he was the first place I ran when I needed support.

And with him there, Kakuzu's crippling effect on me was brought further and further into the light, to the point where even he noticed, before I did, oblivious fucking Hidan, always seeing it but never catching on until it was far too late...

...The day he asked me to marry him. At the time, and up until recently, it had been the best day of my life. But now.. now sometimes I wonder if it wasn't the worst fucking mistake I've ever made. I.. I don't even know if he loves me. I mean, I know he does, but it's hard to tell if it's the love one person shares with another, or the love a creator feels for it's creation, the possessiveness and adoration an owner feels for it's caged bird.

* * *

 

"Why now...?" I groaned, pulling back from the addicting mouth and tongue, but unable to look him in the eyes. I focused instead on leaving a trail of kisses on the porcelain skin of his neck, letting my struggle for control slip momentarily to catch that cream-colored perfection between my teeth. It hurt, it hurt so bad deep down in my chest because it felt so good, because I wanted it so desperately, because I knew this wasn't a dream even in my drunken state.

"Why.. why did you have to wait so long? Why couldn't you do this sooner... like a year ago.."  _Before_ he _trapped me in his clutches, bound me to him like a slave and stripped whatever small chance of freedom and escape I had from me._

My hands ran down his side, so slim and lean. You'd never believe all the power backed into this body straddling me right now. All the pain and resulting strength that came from living with it... We both had so much torment, for different reasons, yes, but agony was agony. A little leech, sucking you dry in that unreachable spot, a bug that no one else wanted to touch, no one else wanted to remove.

"I.. I really don't know." He said back, moaning so softly at my actions that it sounded more like a kitten mewling for attention.

"Shhh.." I warned, pulse racing from arousal but heart pounding in terror. We've been hiding back in this room so long, someone would come looking soon.

 _You have to stop._ My head told me.

 _Never, never, never..._ My heart replied.

* * *

 

I met Red-eyes at his house, and together we walked to the Pool Hall. It was only 3 blocks, and there was no reason to risk going to jail trying to drive that back home.

He walked a small step ahead of me, head held high with the regality only he could pull off without seeming like some stuck up princess. Maybe that's what struck me about him, that he could somehow carry himself with such grace and superiority without any condescending aftertaste, while still looking friendly and approachable. It was a skill he attained naturally, with no more training than a chicken needed to know how to lay an egg.

I was excited, you see, because I would get to dance with him again. And when you're in a crowd of pulsating, gyrating, drunken bodies, no one notices when two people are staring at each other a little harder, moving against each other with deeper meaning, than everyone else.

I had yet to really consider whether he felt the same about me, but skimming over my collection of memories with him, it really couldn't have been any more absurdly obvious... Always complementing me, always finding excuses to touch me, be close to me. Whether it be trying to arm-wrestle with me, hopping on my back suddenly for a piggy back ride, attempting to mess up my hair, or just sitting beside me watching youtube videos on his tablet... I wasn't a touchy-feely, cutesy type of person, I don't generally like being touched, and had anyone else done the things he'd gotten away with hundreds of times, they would be missing teeth.

But, like everything else, he'd made it feel so natural... Sometimes I think I'm the  _only_ one who didn't notice. God, no wonder he would randomly get mad at me, refusing to hang out with excuses that made no fucking sense.

We were there for maybe half an hour before we'd slammed down 26 beers between us, smoked a pack of cigarettes each, and squeezed ourselves into the tiny bathroom to piss and laugh hysterically at absolutely nothing.

And suddenly he stopped, going from one extreme to the other, staring at me with a sincerity that had my stomach feeling like it was going to shred itself into peices from all the directions it lurched in.

"Hida..." He said, eyes narrowing slowly. "Do you love Kakuzu?"

My heart thrummed at the question. I knew why he was asking, finally being hit by the realization train. But unfortunately the reality check train followed just as fast.

I'm married. It doesn't matter if I love him. I'm... I'm his property. He's mine as well... but more in the way that a dog stays with an abusive master, not biting back or running away, because it's all he knows. If I had another option, if we were not legally bound together in a contract that wasn't worth the effort of breaking, it would be different. But that's not how that big hungry bitch called Life laid things out.

But... did I still love him? I don't know. I don't know how to answer this. I want to say no.. And I want to say yes. But I really don't know.

It's aweful, I know. I'm a terrible person, but it's the truth. I don't know how I feel about him. I tell him I love him, I force myself through it even when I don't want to say it. Even when I'd rather punch him in the gut and tell him I hate him, that he's a worm to me and I wouldn't care if he lived or died.

Even when he's hitting me. A masochist I am, but not like that. I don't want him hurting me in anger, I like being hurt in passion. It's a difference, a confusing difference, but a difference none-the-less. I want him to know how much it hurts, how aweful he is. But he confuses me, sometimes I think I deserve it. I should do better, I should try harder. And I couldn't hurt him, I may seem violent, but I try to live sacriligiously. I treat others how I want to be treated, something I was taught inwardly by myself. If I'm nice to him, If I try harder for him, if I do more for him, and love him as much as I can, it will be returned. That was my logic, the logic of a psycho.

A knock on the door made me sigh from relief, though I managed to make it appear to be irritation.

I twisted the knob and it was yanked open by what could have passed for a younger sibling of mine.

His eyes were wide first with the surprise of seeing two people crammed in the tiny space, and then wider still for only a split second as he jumped to conclusions, assuming we had been relieving ourselves in more way than one.

"What the fuck you want Snack-size?" I said, pushing past him and making my question somewhat rhetorical. Suigetsu was one of Kisame's distant cousins, eerily enough, he had white hair and purple eyes. We got along well enough, he was a cool kid, managing to keep himself a part of just about every social circle in town. Shit, even Kuzu didn't mind him, which said more than words ever could. He'd gotten his nickname back when they'd first met, and Shark-dick made a comment about him being a smaller version of me.

Itachi slipped past him, giving him a smile that was like an entire conversation packed into one action. Then he left me to go get his man a beer, and I went outside to smoke and untangle my thoughts. Mini-me followed.

"Soo..." He said casually. "What's... going on?" He asked, lighting up a smoke of his own.

"Nothing."

"Hm. Well okay, if you say so, I believe you."

"Damn right you do."

"You don't sound so convinced yourself though.."

"Shut up."

"...Hey. Secrets safe with me kay? I don't judge."

"Nothing was going on, Sharkbait." A second nickname, seeing as he was related to the Shark obsessed freak.

"Hey, hey. I said I believe you. Nothing happened. That doesn't mean  _nothing happened_ though. You're cool. Don't worry."

I stayed silent, sucking on that cigarrette with the hope that maybe it could kill me before I had to endure living the rest of my life pretending to love someone I hate and watching the man I actually do love be tortured by an ungrateful fucking shiteater.

"I think you two make more sense anyway..." He said quietly, causing me to look up in cautious interest.

"I've known Kakuzu and Kisame pretty much my whole life... they're both self-righteous assholes. You and Itachi... you're both.. I don't know. Just doesn't make sense for you two to be with them. You fit each other better."

I blinked, refusing to give him anything to work with. His words didn't make me feel better, they made my chest hurt. Hurt with joy that someone else saw what was going on, and supported it discreetly from the sidelines. Hurt from worry, because it could never happen. Not without an avalanche of catastrophe following in it's wake...

I'd been in this town with Kakuzu for almost 6 years now. Finally I had built up some sort of life for myself, instead of just letting the old bastard live enough for us both. I had a fucking Job, an annoying fucking job that was hell to someone with a short temper like me, but a good one.I had a circle of close friends and then rippling circles outward from those of decent acquaintances who apparently liked me enough to treat me like an actual person and help me out when I need it. I had a house that I was very near to considering a home.. I had a life. I finally had a life, and even though it had become a somewhat miserable one, I was thankful for it, and I couldn't jeopardize it...

"Go get another beer, kid." I said, not liking how sullen my voice seemed.

He listened though, thank God.

* * *

 

Footsteps. Or what my mind registered as footsteps. Oh shit!

I shoved Itachi off just before the door opened. Being the Uchiha he was, he recovered gracefully, moving to the back door and lighting up a cigarette in one smooth motion. Without thinking I pulled my phone out and stared at it, working up an irritated grimace just as the Shark-fucker himself rounded the corner.

"What the fuck are you two doing back here?" He asked, his suspicious grin betraying the false anger in his voice and confusing the living shit out of my alcohol-drowned brain.

"Listening to the happy couple screech at each other like chimps..." Itachi said in a tone anyone else would take as boredom, but I recognized as some weird Uchiha concoction of lingering lust and scarcely tamed anger.

I didn't know what to make of it, so I continued glaring at my phone, it was easy to pretend I was mad at Kakuzu, because I fucking was. Why did he have to fucking exist right now? Why did he have to be such a bastard to me? Why did he have to make me hate him? Why did he have to drive me to this point, force me to make a decision like this? Despite my negative feelings toward him, I didn't want to lose him. I don't think I would mind if the situation played out differently, if for some reason we weren't married and he broke up with me.. I would miss him, but nothing that wouldn't fade with time...

But this, I didn't want to lose him violently. He wasn't afraid to hurt me in any way he could to feel better about himself, my schoolyard bully of a husband. If I left, he would find me. This much was a certainty in my mind. I didn't even want to think about what would happen after that.

And in a way, I was just used to his presence. I couldn't remember what it was like to not have him there. I don't think I could make it without him, without his guidance, without his help. I'm too scatterbrained, too easily distracted. I couldn't do it.. at least.. I don't think I would. Whether that was something he'd somehow tricked me into believing, or a decision I'd come to on my own, I wasn't sure. Either way, I knew it to be the truth.

"Ah. Tell him to calm his tits, you're at my casa and surrounded by babysitters."

"You think he fucking cares?" I said, looking up as the alcohol fueled my anger. "He couldn't give less of a sht about me being babysat. He just wants to control me and make sure I'm not actually having a good time for once in my life."

"Eh..." The giant replied, stepping back. "Well. Have fun with that... I'm gonna go back in there. Hey, gimme a few cigarettes, woman." He said the last to Red-eyes, who turned around with an acidic smile and dumped half his remaining smokes in his boyfriends hand.

I flipped off the back of his head as he retreated. Dick. Fucking ass. This was his fault too. I hated him just as much. Was it really so hard to give love to someone so beautiful like Itachi? Was it so hard to accept them as they were? To accept  _us_  as we were? There was always something they were on our asses about..

_"Hidan, the house is a fucking mess. Clean it up."_

_"Stop playing that annoying fucking music woman!"_

_"You look like a whore, go change into something that won't embarrass me."_

_"What are you doing?"_

_"Who are you talking to?"_

_"What are they saying?"_

_"You're so stupid."_

_"Just shut up."_

I glowered down at my phone, resisting the urge to call him and start a fight. He'd know I was drinking without him, he'd know I was at the aftermath of a party as Kisame's house, and he'd know somehow through fucking telekinesis that I was making out with my best friend, because he was a fucking bitch like that.

 _That would be bad.._  my head warned.

 _I don't give a fuck.._  my heart replied.

* * *

 

It was raining when we left the bar at midnight. After I'd gone back inside, rejoined Red-eyes and that terrorist blonde, and took a few pictures together, then danced awkwardly while everyone else watched because apparently our town is full of lame idiots.

Saying I was upset about missing my chance was an understatement. But, I couldn't risk it, not when everyone was staring so hard at us. I could dance  _next_  to him... but not with him.

Itachi was fucked up as he said an over dramatic goodnight to Deidara. Sasori and I just kind of nodded to each other, he was probably stoned and drunk out of his mind, the fact that he was managing to stand perfectly upright was amazing to me.

I was fucked myself, but probably the least of everyone. Lucky me, I have this weird sort of tolerance. I mean, I got wasted as much as anyone else, but I have some kind of backup-brain that flickered to life when I got too messed up. Like an auto-pilot of sorts that always made sure that I got safely home into my own bed without screwing up before the night was out. It was probably some side-effect of always being with Kakuzu, seeing as he would berate me if I was ever too fucked up to function... It usually came in handy, when it was working properly.

I guess tonight was just an off night.

"Hidaaaa..." Itachi whined, throwing himself on me as the Barbie and Ken left, both of them looking back over their shoulders and chuckling at some unspoken joke. A joke that only I was unaware of, stupid oblivious me.

"I'm... so drunk." He half-whined, half laughed, wrapping his arms around my neck as I tried to get him standing back on his own feet. He was going to fucking knock me over if he kept pouncing like that.

"Goddammit Red-eyes. Take off those fucking shoes and let's go."

"You're not going home are you?" he said, attempting to do what I asked before falling on his ass, staring up at me in confusion for a moment before bursting into uncharacteristic giggling.

"Tch. Hell no I have all fucking night. I'm going back to you and Shark-dicks place. Afterrr-parrrtyy!" I said, rolling my hips in an embarrassing drunken display. Then held out my hand while he laughed so hard at my stupidity that he snorted, which just brought on more laughter.

Making this bastard laugh was literally my goal, every day. If I was in a bad mood, all I had to do was go crack a smile out of him. It had turned into a points system for me, the harder he laughed, the more complete my day was. There were times I'd miraculously managed to make him laugh so hard that I'd started laughing. And we'd ended up literally beating the shit out of each other just to stop the action that bordered on painful when you couldn't stop.

Finally he was on his feet again, clutching at my hand so he would fall back over. I picked up his shoes, and then noting the puddles from the calm rain, removed my own, and we started back down the street.

* * *

 

Itachi slammed opened to door the the back bathroom, the one that was barely big enough to stand in that Kisame had 'banished' him and all his beauty supplies too. Fucking asshole.

"Get in there." He said, not quite glaring at me but giving enough anger off in his demeanor to make me listen, or want to.

"Why?" I replied, rolling from the cracked wall and making a face as I turned to look at it. Ohh fucking hell, Shark-dick was going to be pissed.

"There's a lock on the door. Get in."

"Red-eyes.." I slurred, finally getting to my feet and raising my hands defensively. "This is a bad idea. He already came in once. No more.."

"Get your fucking white ass in there, Hida." He said, perfectly calm on the outside. But looking in his eyes, slowly turning red around the edges of his iris, I knew this was going to end with me and him crammed in that bathroom no matter what I did.

"Why are you doing this to me?"

 _He's supposed to love you.._  my head said.

 _It's because he DOES love you..._  my heart replied.

* * *

 

"HEATHEN BASTARDS!" I screamed at a car speeding down the street, purposely driving through a large puddle and drenching us both. Itachi angrily made some series of noises that I think were supposed to be words of some sort, and I looked down at myself.

For some reason I still don't completely really understand, my drunken mind decided it would be a good idea to remove my shirt. It was wet, you see. And even though  _everything_  was wet, I couldn't simply go around wearing a drenched shirt. Besides, I always ran around without a shirt on, no one would care.

Except Itachi, poor, drunken Red-eyes, who stared at me emotionlessly until our eyes met. He swallowed hard, and gave me the worst forced smile I've ever seen.

"Just because you always wear a crucifix doesn't mean you can decide who's a godless heathen, Hida..."

"Just because you have a pretty face doesn't mean you can go flaunting it around everywhere, 'Tachi." I mumbled back, pulling him forward. This was the longest fucking three-block trek of my life. Holy shit.

Itachi was drunk to where he could barely walk and soaked to the bone. I should be happy, right now, but I wasn't. I was pissed.

_God, you are an insensitive prick._

So many dark corners and crevices. So many places I could lead my best friend, who was trusting me to take him back home. Fucking rain, warm rain that I wanted to fucking kiss him into oblivion in.

_That's bad._

Yes. He was my best friend. I can't do that. I can't risk losing him over something like that. He was my rock, my sturdy pillar. Swallow it Hidan, swallow it down and bury it inside you like you've been doing all along. It can't happen, you can't let it happen. Be responsible for once in your ridiculous fucking life!

Itachi stumbled, and I realized I'd been walking a little fast, trying desperately to get to his house, to get to the safe place where Kisame and Suigetsu and all their friends and our friends would be, where he wouldn't dare keep acting so seductive, where my head would be clearer, distracted by everyone else's presence.

"Dammit Hida, slow down... so druuunk.." He whined, yanking at our tightly gripped hands and bending over to breathe as if he'd just run a marathon.

"We're almost there..." I muttered, more for myself than him.

"Hida.." He panted, tugging on my hand and pulling me off balance. I stumbled, leaning down over next to him, and he looked up wearing this mischievously innocent expression, staring at me with those endless black-pits he called eyes, rain-soaked bangs plastered to his pale, perfect skin.

"Kiss me." He said.

Fuck. Fucking fucking FUCK! I straightened and turned away immediately, fearing I might just do what he asked if I continued looking at him.  _Don't do it Hida, don't do it Hida._. I said in my mind, practically having to scream over the echo of  _Do it, do it, do it_  mirroring right behind it. He was drunk, he was fucking drunk off his ass and he wasn't thinking correctly, he wasn't even Itachi Uchiha right now, just some drunken imposter wearing his skin. Don't fall for it, don't ruin everything, don't do it.

"You're so drunk.." I forced myself to laugh, seeing as it was the only thing I could turn my trembling voice into without him knowing how hopelessly fucking awful I felt.

"Hehe... Yeah.. I know.." He said, not even trying to make it sound as if he weren't disappointed.

Bastard. How could he do this to me? He was supposed to be the one thing in my life that DIDN'T make me want to kill myself.

"There's your fish-man.." I mumbled out absently as Kisame stepped from his truck parked at the curb in front of their house. He yelled some incomprehensible jumble of words at us, and I shouted back that we were coming. Apparently that was what he wanted to hear, because he turned and walked back inside.

Snack-size pulled up in his little red camaro then, he stopped on the sidewalk leading to the front door long enough to give us a sideways glance, then pulled out a cigarette and lit it up, still staring at me.

I felt my face twist in anger. Why the fuck was he waiting? I jerked my head toward the door, he gave me a toothy grin, and then continued inside.

Fucking kid...

* * *

 

He pulled me into the small room, I swear to God I tried to resist, but apparently my liquored up body wasn't responding so well, except to reach behind me and pull the door shut. Without even a second to register anything he wrapped his hands around my bare neck and pulled my mouth into his again.

_Dammit Hidan, you're not even trying to fight it!_

But I am! I swear!

My fingers clicked the little knob-lock sideways and he crumpled under the weight I pressed into him. Luckily the toilet seat lid was down as we crashed onto it. I didn't even care that I was sitting on his lap like a girl, hunched over to make myself shorter while he stretched his back and neck to make himself taller.

_I can't do it.. I'm just not strong enough._

God forgive me, the temptation is too great. You raised a weak fool.

" _You're the strongest person I know.."_ Itachi's voice floated into my head randomly. He'd told me this a couple times, whenever I felt like I was about to crack and I'd come running to him like a bullied child runs to their mother.

_"You do everything you're supposed to do, you're always there for everyone, and you still get shit on for it... You're so much stronger than me Hida.."_

I'm not strong. I've failed you here, Itachi. I can't resist, I know that you want it, and I know that I want it, but it's  _wrong._

 _You're ruining your life..._  My head sighs.

 _You're letting yourself live it..._ My heart replied.

* * *

 

_Just... just a little. I can give in just a little. Then I'll leave, and it will be over with.._

I pulled Itachi do the door, my heart pounding and chest burning and head swirling.

_Just one, one little kiss in the rain. I can do this. I can, I know I can... I think._

"Hida..?" He said, swaying in place as he stared groggily up at me. I didn't look at him, I kept my steady gaze on the door handle. "Are we just gonna stand out here?"

_Just one... just.. one little one._

Don't fucking do it Hidan. Don't you fucking do it.

_Shut up, I never listen to you anyway._

"'Tachi... how drunk are you?"

"Why?" He said, almost falling down just from the effort of talking.

"Are you going to remember in the morning?"

"Remember what Hida?"

_Snap._

There it went. The self-control. It was gone. The dam broke, the lake poured. My grip on reality flowed out of me and in a dream like state I dropped our shoes and reached to the side of me with my free arm, using the other one still tangled in his to pull him in front of me.

"You're a bastard..." I whispered, using my own body to push him up against the door. I didn't give him time to think before I tipped his chin up, my stomach shredding open as the butterflies ripped free and wreaked havoc on my insides. My chest exploding in anticipation and elation. My head shrieking like a dying rabbit in horror.

I was going to kiss him, for real. My best friend. I was cheating on my husband, who I've been with nearly six years. Six years of never feeling anyone elses body fitting so perfectly into mine, six years of feeling no one elses lips, six years of tasting only him.

Six years of a slow descent into madness, six years of being deceived and ruined by the person who was supposed to save me, six years of mental and physical abuse...

That was a long fucking time...

He accepted it without a second thought, lifting himself on his tippy-toes and wrapping his arms around my waist. I felt my face twist in pain and relief when our mouths finally met, oh dear God there was nothing like it.

_Just this one._

So good, so beautiful, so perfect. For that brief second, everything made so much sense.

_Just this one._

This is what should have happened. This is how it was supposed to be. I fucked up somewhere in my life, I took the wrong path, ending up at Kakuzu's doorstep instead of Itachi's.

_Just...just one._

It.. wasn't enough. I can't stop. Oh dammit I should have known!

My body moved on it's own, pushing harder, and his pushed back. I growled deep in my throat from the anger and goddamn fucking arousal, and he moaned back with that kitten mewl. My tongue slipped itself inside his mouth without a fight, and I manged to draw it back for just a second, taking a victorious breath.

At least until his snaked it's way into mine.

"I hate you.." I muttered, putting my forehead against his and using it like a wedge to pull our mouths apart so I could say it. He just 'Hn'd' at me and forced them back together, pulling me closer.

Oh God.. please stop this. Give me the strength to stop, you asshole.

I heard a click, and we parted briefly again, both exchanging a look of annoyance and horror as the door opened in slow motion behind him. I stepped to the side, yanking out my phone and putting it to my ear as he fell backward, caught by none other than Kisame.

The confused man looked down at itachi, then peeked his head out to look at me, pretending to be on the phone, and looked back down to Itachi.

Clearly resisting laughter, the drunken Uchiha put a finger to his lips, mouthing my husbands name.

I inwardly grimaced, Hopefully that Shark-fucker wouldn't mention shit to him. Seeing as Kakuzu hadn't actually called me all night. Then he'd know something was up. He'd probably assume I'd been talking to some other guy on the phone, accuse me of cheating, and beat me.

I was a little put off my my urge to laugh at the irony of that. Never in a millions years would he expect it to be Itachi that threatened his importance in my life.

"FUCK YOU!" I yelled into the phone, making a scene of stabbing angrily at the screen to end the nonexistent call.

"I feel so warm and mushy inside when you two get lovey-dovey like that." Kisame chuckled, hoisting Red-eyes to his feet.

"Shove it up your ass, Shark-dick." I said, slipping past him. "I have to piss."  _And then I'm leaving.._  I wanted to say. I'd done it, I'd kissed him. It was over and done with and now I could go home and wallow in depression and self-pity alone.

"Sui's in there, just use the one in back.." Kisame said over his shoulder as Itachi suddenly jerked away from him.

"Hida! Give me a cigarette, I'm out." He called after me, rushing to catch up.

"Let me pee first, bitch!" I said, praying he'd take the hint.

_Don't follow me. Please don't fucking follow me. I've given all I can._

"Why do women always have to go to the bathroom in packs..." I heard Kisame mutter to one of his bandmates, before wrenching open the door to the back room. I tried to shut it behind me but that raven-haired beauty of a bastard slipped in like a ghost behind me.

* * *

 

And that's where we are now.

My life is a tragedy. Pure and simple.

Am I really such a bad person to deserve this? Have I really fucked myself so bad?

This can't be true, this can't be happening..

"I love you Hida.."

"Don't fucking say that to me."

"You deserve love."

"Shut up..."

Our lips met again, his perfect nails raked down my back. Fuck, dammit, shit. He can't leave marks, Kakuzu would see. If this was going to happen, he can't leave marks.

Our tongues explored, our hands explored. I could practically feel the steam from our actions building in the tiny room, threatening to suffocate us.

My hands slid through his hair, his slid down my thighs. I groaned, unable to stop the small thrust of my hips, leaning forward further to try to subtly discourage him from doing it again. It didn't deterr the man at all, his hands slid upward still, grasping onto an even more sensitive spot.

"QUIT!" I hissed, tearing away from his upturned face. "I'm not gonna fuck you!"

"Sorry, it's hard to resist.." He said, smiling in a way that said he wasn't sorry at all.

"I can't believe you're doing this to me.." I said, leaning forward and resting my forehead against his. "You remember when I told you I was having an awful day, when I had that meltdown in my car in the driveway..."

"Mmhmm.." He said, running his hands up and down my back, making my skin tingle and goosebumps prickle up on my skin.

"It was because of you.."

"It's okay Hida.."

"It's not okay.." I whispered, closing my eyes tight. Goddammit, I didn't cry. I never cried, something this stupid couldn't make me cry. "I'm stuck with him, Red-eyes. You don't understand. You could leave if you wanted. But I'm trapped...this is torture."

He was silent for a moment, an eternity of a moment. And when he finally opened his mouth to reply, the door flew open behind me.

My mind froze, my insides froze, but my body acted for me, leaping off Itachi's lap and pressing me back to the wall.

We'd just been caught. Mother fucker, I could kill a bitch.

"Whoaahoho! What're  _you_  guys doing?" Kisame's slurring voice boomed.

I was instantly confused, instantly humiliated, instantly pissed.

"Talking.." My voice said, cracking in betrayal.

"Uh huh. Yeah, that's what it looked like you were doing."

"Shut up Kisame." Itachi said, leaning forward on the seat and burying his head in his hands.

"Hey who the fuck broke my wall?" He said, somehow managing to trip while standing perfectly still and stumble backward.

I stared at him crookedly. He wasn't pissed off at catching us like this?

_It doesn't matter. He knows, and he's going to tell Kakuzu, you're fucked._

"It was an accident.." Itachi said for me, getting up and squeezing through the small space between Shark-dick and the doorframe. "The wall was rotted, Hida leaned against it and it snapped."

"Oh yeah, I'm sure  _Hida_  just leaned against it.." He said, grinning at me and wiggling his eyebrows. I just squinted back in confusion. Am I on some reality T.V show? Is this some prank?

"Is it my turn next?" He said, starting to step into the tiny bathroom and launching me into a panic.

"FUCK OFF YOU CREEP!" I shouted, shoving him back. Oh Jesus fucking christ, What kind of fucking mess was this? What did I fucking get myself into now?

_WHY CAN'T YOU EVER LISTEN TO ME!?_

Shut up! I have to get out of this house!

_This is Red-eyes fault. All of it._

I said shut up.

This is not his fault, it's everyone's fault. It's life's fault, stupid fat fucking bitch, feeding off misery and despair. We're all slaves to circumstance, victims of a cruel, cruel reality.

"Heyyy, where you going big brother!?" Suigetsu laughed out as I rushed past.

"Home." I snarled, feeling only the slightest bit of an asshole for the hurt expression on his face. It quickly turned to one of concern as Itachi was suddenly rushing up behind me.

"Hida please don't leave." He said, grabbing my wrist. Everyone was staring, and my anger flared. He was really going to do this, in front of everyone. Son of a bitch.

"Leave me alone Red-eyes." I snapped, yanking from his grip. The front door came mercifully fast, and I ripped it open. He followed, of course, shutting it behind him.

"Hidan!"

"Stop it!" I said, louder than necessary. I whirled around, grabbing him by the shoulders. "You dont, fucking, understand..." I said, fighting my clouding vision. This wasn't fair, it wasn't fucking fair!

"How can you do this to me? How can you be so cruel? I  _need_  you! Don't you realize that! I can't keep fucking living without you. How can you just go and ruin everything!"

"I.. I need you too Hida.. Please. Don't leave me." He said, tears sliding down his own cheeks, quickly masked by the still-pouring rain.

"I have to go home."

"That's fine.. but don't leave me..."

I stared at him. This asshole. This bastard. This beautiful fucking piece of living artwork in front of me. I hated him for doing this, but loved him all the same. How can they call me the crazy one? How can they say  _I'm_  the psycho? Thinking I would leave? Is he fucking stupid?

"I couldn't leave if I wanted too.." I said sullenly, "I'm stuck here... remember?"

"No one could possibly cage you Hidan... You can't be tamed.. That's why I love you." He stepped forward, embracing me in a tight hug, burying his face in my bare chest. "You  _are_  freedom... You just have to figure it out for yourself.. I guess."

I put a hand on the back of his head, the other wrapping lower around his neck. I don't know why those words didn't cause a revelation right there and then, but it probably had something to do with the combination of alcohol and my usual oblivious fucking nature. They were just words, stupid, ignorant words. I was married. Yes, I  _could_  get a divorce, but I don't fucking believe in that shit. Marriage is forever, if you break that commitment, you're a heathen and a treaturous bitch and you  _deserved_  to go to hell. There was nothing I could do... Kakuzu had used my faith against me. All the more reason to despise him...

_How could you do this to me? Am I such a bad person?_

"I.. I love you too, 'Tachi... but I need to go. It's late..."

"Why do you have to leave?"

"Please, Red-eyes. Make sure your retard boyfriend doesn't nark."

"He won't Hida...He wants you too. He probably thinks he has a chance now."

"That's fuckin' disgusting.."

"Isn't it though?"

I pulled away, not stopping to take one last look, because I knew he'd trap me in those fucking eyes if I did. I had to leave, I had to leave  _now._

"Hold on." His voice said quickly behind me, and he grabbed my wrist and pulled weakly. I knew what was coming, and without giving myself the chance to resist, without allowing the time to have any mental argument with myself, I turned around, grabbed him, lifted him up and kissed him, Romance-movie style.

"You asshole.." He said, when I put him back town and walked away. I waved him off and nearly dove into my shitty little car, jamming the keys in the ignition and speeding off. I only lived seven blocks away, but God that was the longest drive of my entire fucking life. The streets around here are so fucked up, You had to make a left, then a right, then another left, and another right, and finally a left into my driveway, and each turn had a straightaway of about two blocks in between.

I made it into the house before the tears poured out... at least I was granted that one small kindness on this night. The best and worst night of my useless life. I ranted and raved for hours, pacing the house and grabbing any objects that wouldn't break if I threw them with all my might against a soft surface like the couch or recliner.

I complain too much, I know... But you have to know what it's like to be an uncaged prisoner, a slave to circumstance.. To want something so badly you'd rather die than not have it. Having the option of death stripped away from you by the very thing you love. A vicious circle, it was. One tiny little snowball that started an avalanche.

It was fucking insanity. My fucking life was insanity.

I'm the only sane one here... my logic just comes from a different direction.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was written by FluffyIsEmo. Beta'd by me.

Constant numbness. Toxic inebriation.

I honestly wonder when my life became so dead. Why I constantly ignore my own feelings. Why I don't allow myself to even consider giving a fuck about anything.

_I don't care. It doesn't matter how I feel. I cant change anything._

Stoic indifference.

* * *

 

I've done it as long as I can remember. I shut down. I fake happiness so people don't worry about me slitting my wrists and ending this awful existence I call my life. I guess it just happened as a coping device. I hate being depressed. Its like being held just under the surface of a deep, terrible pit. Everyone just sits there while I'm drowning. Everyone else can breathe while I suffer. And it never ends. It wont end... its always, always fucking there.

I like it here, in this blank state I force myself to stay in, nothing can touch me. Im safe from the hurt.

I self medicate. Anything I can get my hands on to not feel... to not remember.

Self destruction.

I am so messed up. It's come to the point that I don't even try to feel, allowing the numbness to encase me in. I go through everyday in a trance. Doing what I have to do to get by. Using any means necessary to not feel any fucking thing. I smoke too much..and I drink to much, I starve and I bleed.

* * *

 

Kisame came into my life at a vulnerable time. Shortly after my parents died. Right after I selfishly left Sasuke in that awful foster home. I was neglected, user up and broken. Kisame took the pain away for awhile I guess. I allowed him to console me, to let him have me and take care of me when I wasn't strong enough to take care of myself. He used to care about how I felt, but I'm probably just lying to myself about that too.

_'Kisame is a sweetheart.'_

Everyone has said this countlessly, time and time again. Their voices bouncing around in my self induced cloudy mind. If only they knew.

He's smart about how he treats me in public or amongst friends. Setting me on his lap as his prized possession. Pretending to want me while in the company of others. Sweet words and gestures... lies. But then we leave and come back to the house I desperately wish I could call mine, but cant. Its his, all of it. Everything in there belongs to him. Including me. I am his pet. His pretty little fucktoy that he abuses and neglects.

And I fucking let him.

...I remember clinging to him for the longest time.. years. Always terrified that he'd leave me, just like everyone else has.

He's thrown me out like trash... more times then I can really remember. Said horrendous things to me that I guess I've gradually accepted as the truth.

_"Can't you do anything right?"_

_"What the fuck is wrong with you?"_

_"You did it to yourself. You could have stopped it."_

_"You're pathetic."_

_"Whats his name Itachi? You'd open your legs for anyone, you stupid fucking whore!"_

It used to hurt, I remember it hurting so terribly. The one person who was supposed to protect me, not giving a fuck about how horrible they made me feel. He has made me want to die.

I stopped leaning on him for support long ago. After I had been scolded and called stupid more times then I could take. I stopped crying infront of him. Stopped letting him see my weakness so he couldn't use it against me anymore.

I dont love him. I honesty don't think I ever did. Love... doesn't hurt like this.

* * *

 

Thank god I have my solace to fall to. My life line that lets me break the surface to the awful nothingness that I let consume me. He holds my head above the icy water that is always threatening to devour and drown me.

Hidan is my safe harbor. My sheltered place I run to when my fucked up life gets to be to much. My best friend. The only person that really knows me. He makes me feel not so broken. When I'm with him everything is so much better. I dont hurt. I'm happy when he's near me. He makes me  _want_  to live.

He made me feel again. Not so much made if I'm being honest. I let him. I want everything he'll let me have, and so much more. I'm so selfish. Always wanting what I cant fucking have...

I tried so hard, for so long, to push my feelings for him away. Tried to be quiet and sweep them under the rug and ignore it. I pretended to be happy when he told me he was marrying that asshole. I stood in the court house and silently let a couple tears slip out while they said their vows to each other. Telling myself that I couldn't change it. That I just had to be happy if he was happy.

And for a while I think he was. At least he tried. Its hard when you're trapped... I would know.

* * *

 

I'm not sorry. I wasn't when it happened and I'm not now.

But, I do feel a lot of guilt. I just couldn't seem to fucking stop myself. I gave him the option. I asked him, not allowing myself to force it. How his gorgeous violet eyes flicked nervously away from mine, while we stood out in the pouring warm rain. I knew what I was asking of him. Asking him to betray Kakuzu's trust.

I am such an awful person.

But, finally, fucking finally having him kiss me, hold me. I remember how perfectly I fit against him. How I could feel my heartbeat in my ears. How I couldn't seem to pull in the oxygen my body desperately needed. I would rather have died then had to stop.

_I dont need to breathe. I only need him._

_Only Hidan._

_Always Hidan._

I'd never felt so right in my whole life, so complete and perfect. I'd never been so intoxicated on someone. Never been kissed like that. We fit so perfectly together. Its not fair...

I  _am_  sorry I was as drunk as I was. How all I can remember is hazy bits and pieces. Fucking alcohol.

But, I do remember how wonderful, loved and wanted i felt. I've never felt such desire before. Such a bittersweet exchange of mutual sorrow. How his actions kept betraying his words. Pulling me closer, his perfect mouth on my neck, teeth on my skin. Sweet, twisted passion.

How I sat on the front porch after he drove off into the night, soaking wet and crying... crying for him, for me... for both of our stupid, fucked up lives.

* * *

 

It had been six days since our little forbidden, beautiful disaster of a mess. It was the weekend again, and that old asshole Kakuzu dragged him off somewhere away from me.

I had refused to be at home with my 'boyfriend', so I had ran off to Gaara's little apartment across town.

I think Gaara is Sasori's second cousin or something like that. He gets misjudged a lot, everyone thinks he's weird. Hes one of Kisame's bandmates. And maybe, kind of has a drinking problem. Hn, join the crowd.

He'd just really recently became a good friend, someone who is kind enough to consider how I really feel. We were drinking and bitching about Kisame and his recent ex.

"What is Kakuzu up to tonight?" His gravely voice slurred out after we both took another shot of whiskey.

"They ran off somewhere for the weekend." I muttered back.

He smiled at me crookedly, "How has Hidan been? I see him every once in a while." The redhead said, handing me one of his smokes. "He's a cool guy".

I couldn't help my answering smile at the mention of Hida. "Yeah... he really is.." I answered lighting up the gifted cigarette.

"And he's hot, Kakuzu really lucked out, huh?" He drunkenly laughed.

My happy mood instantly left at the mention of the assholes name. "Hn. He treats Hida like shit." My voice is flat and lifeless as I pull the nicotine into my body. Gaara silently changed the music when the song we were listening to ended. Damn him and his depressing music..

"Can I tell you something?" I whispered from across the table, not daring to tear my eyes away from its white, alcohol riddled surface. He nodded his head and leaned back in his chair.

"I..I really think..."  _Dont say it Itachi, dont say it.._ " That I'm in love.. with Hidan." It was scary. I'd never told anyone before, never had let the tragic words leave my mouth. But it doesn't matter anymore now. Was there any hope left? It had happened, if finally happened, He had told me yes... But he'd also said no...

I dont even know how the words slipped out of mouth. I dont know why im over at Garras apartment at one in the morning getting so drunk that I'm barely able to stand. Im so stupid. So fucking stupid...

I'm here because I cant fucking stand being on the same room with Kisame while being sober. Im so sick of feeling like a pet in my home. Sick of being tortured... Sick of feeling this way, like there's no light in the world. Like I'm suffocating but I can't ever seem to just drown. Constant torture, relief dangling just outside my reach, but I'm too afraid to just reach out and take it. So I just kill myself slowly, it's the only thing I'm good at, after all.

"Yeah, I can see that. The way you look at him..." Gaaras voice didn't portray any kind of judgement at all. "Im sorry, that must be really hard for you.. not being able to have him because he belongs to someone else."

I laughed bitterly at the last part, scrubbing my hands over my eyes to wipe the moisture out of them. " Yeah. I messed that up too."

_Stop talking._

The way he looked at me when I finally met his gaze ripped my heart open. "You over-stepped your boundaries huh." He stated, not even asking to make sure it was true. My silence answered for me anyways.

He reached out and grabbed my hand then, staring down at it before meeting my gaze.

"You cant do this to yourself Itachi... You cant do this to him. Dont be a home wrecker... He's married.." Garra sounded as pitiful as I felt, his deep eyes reflecting sadness, like he wished more than anything in the world he could tell me anything else, but there simply was no other option. I knew this, I already knew it would be a tradgedy. It was why I'd stayed silent in the first place. I could have been strong, I think, if it had just continued that way. But now...

I don't know anything anymore. Nothing but pain and depression. Not that I shouldn't be used to it...

I stared back at him across the table lined with beer and our many times emptied shot glasses. My trembling fingers clutching my burning cigarette.

"You have to just be there for him for now. Be his best friend. At least you guys have that..."

* * *

 

 _Home wrecker_.. again and again the words bounced around in my head, pulling me even farther into the dark pit of helplessness.

I'm not even sure how I walked home that night... so broken and drunk.

It is what it is now, I guess. Stolen embraces, sweet words to each other behind our 'significant others' backs. Getting to see him, but not getting to have him.

Torment. Twisted and wrong. Perfect and passionate. Broken and beautiful.

At least... at least we dont suffer alone. We do have each other even though it isn't how it should have been... Just gotta hold on until the pain ends... It's only a matter of time...

Right?

 

I honestly wonder when my life became so dead. Why I constantly ignore my own feelings. Why I don't allow myself to even consider giving a fuck about anything.

Except... maybe one thing. Just one. 


End file.
